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Auditions for the End of the World

by Angel Reedy

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1.
my mind is floating on the ceiling and I, I am feeling everything feels like I’m stuck inside an echo chamber where nothing ever happens but I just wanna hear you laughing ‘cause I want easy and I want gentle but I need structure and I need careful this is madness, but I want it to feel like magic and I could run away from it or I could run into it just to see how far I get and I don’t even know what angle you’re playing at sometimes I think you just wanna see me sweat but let the games begin, let’s see how far I’ll let you get you told me once that you feel like an island that these days, you stay silent that you’re tired of pouring your heart out but I can see all of the landmines that surround us and the way that you’re sidestepping all of the heaven, all the second guessing and I’m so starving and you’re so cryptic we’re trading trauma, it’s almost addictive tell me what goes on in that room where no one lives and I could run away from it or I could run into it just to see how far I get and I don’t even know what angle you’re playing at sometimes I think you just wanna see me sweat but let the games begin, let’s see how far I’ll let you get I keep thinking about the backseat of that car and the way that you talked about rollercoasters and leaned closer and you said, you were sure, you’d rather dangle than be secure and it felt like we were talking about something more I’m just trying to get you next to me but tonight already feels like a memory and I could run away from it or I could run into it just to see how far I get and I don’t even know what angle you’re playing at sometimes I think you just wanna see me sweat but let the games begin, let’s see how far I’ll let you get how far you gonna let me get?
2.
Bell Jar 03:14
I can’t pretend not to know you and I can’t pretend not to care you told me there was no need to bother with emotion but I can’t pretend it’s not already there even if we’re healthy our lives are still fucked and even if we’re sober we’re both still shit out of luck living in a loop of wrong directions, missed connections I just want the answers without having to ask the questions I don’t want to ask the questions like on the balcony when you said to me you got drunk and crashed your car you said you weren’t happy you survived it but baby, I just wanna make sure you get out of the bell jar I met your eyes from the staircase they told me all I needed to know you didn’t know what to do, couldn’t stay, couldn’t leave, heart on your sleeve there was nowhere left for you to go and out on the back deck, you sounded completely wrecked talking careful, quietly you looked shellshocked, your voice stopped, my heart dropped when I said “you got this”, I meant me I meant me on the balcony when you said to me you got drunk and crashed your car you said you weren’t happy you survived it but baby, I just wanna make sure you get out of the bell jar
3.
I am crying with my eyes shut, thinking about bathing in the flames baptism by fire, since the day I was given my name you say it’s too soon to worry, too warm and too blurry, but I don’t believe you for now, we’re wrapped up in ourselves, probably going to hell, but I’ll do what I have to to keep this starlight from being wasted to cherish the thing we created to keep taking you places you didn’t think you’d go I know sometimes I’m slow when I get close, I’ll let you know I can’t tell which one of us is the moth, and which one’s the light maybe I’m both at different times, sometimes I die, sometimes I burn so bright I wanna hear you talk about nothing, wanna see you blushing, wanna know that you mean it we’re bruising like a pair of peaches, I’m falling into pieces, hope you know that I mean it I wanna keep this starlight from being wasted I wanna cherish the thing we created I wanna keep taking you places you didn’t think you’d go I’m sorry I’m slow when I get close, I’ll let you know
4.
Potholes 03:11
I’m sick of worrying so much about worrying I forget how to swim while I’m still standing on dry land I wanna make my mind, make it stop, make it stop, stop hurrying you see me drowning but don’t offer a helping hand but worse things have happened to better people and even they don’t have to spend their nights alone I’m so sick of the constant silence, the quiet crisis what’s the point of pavement if there’s still gonna be potholes? paralysis by analysis gets exhausting tell me, is there anywhere on this earth I haven’t cried? sometimes I get so caught up, I’m caught up, caught up in the haunting that I have to remind myself I’m still alive and I haven’t died but I guess that worse things have happened to better people and even they don’t have to spend their nights alone I’m so sick of the constant silence, the quiet crisis what’s the point of pavement if there’s still gonna be potholes? what’s the point of swimming if I still can’t stay afloat? what’s the point of trying if I still can’t stay composed? what’s the point of changing if I still don’t have control? what’s the point of pavement if there’s still gonna be potholes?
5.
Thin Air 03:23
I watch it work out for everyone else nobody’s gonna waste their time on me standing on my front porch with my head in the clouds and your gaze fixed on the trees born under a bad star eternally fucked but so eager to please I’m holding auditions for the end of the world but everybody else has somewhere to be and if I believe, then I think I’ll make it there I keep apologizing into thin air and if we both believe, I bet we’ll make it there I’m sick of apologizing into thin air I feel like a storm caught inside skin too small for everything I think that I could be asleep inside myself, talking to myself who knew I could be so vicious and weak? or that existing in the space between the sound is the pinnacle of all pipe dreams? or that the right thing and the easy thing are never the same thing, despite all the tender urgency? and if I believe, then I think I’ll make it there I keep apologizing into thin air and if we both believe, I’m sure we’ll make it there I’m sick of apologizing into thin air I better learn to like my lonely life I’m not lost, I came looking, but when I saw you, I couldn’t ‘cause it’s my cross to bare and I can’t ask you to care about the way my heart breaks itself when I’m alone and if I believe, then I think I’ll make it there I keep apologizing into thin air and if we both believe, of course we’ll make it there I’m sick of apologizing into thin air
6.
I Did 03:35
I feel like I’ve told all my stories there’s nothing left to say everytime you get me going, my heavy heart gets in the way you were enough to make me nervous but enough to make me stay I forgot how you felt in the morning, not knowing what to say but am I allowed to stay? counting stars in your bedroom giggling like little kids you whispered, “can you feel that?” I lied and said I did the static glow of the light from the tv and your warmth against my back the way I found myself falling into it the kind of comfort that i lack I woke up to turn your alarm off to try to see the forest for the trees I felt your voice more than I heard it asking, five more minutes, please five more minutes, please counting stars in your bedroom giggling like little kids you whispered, “can you feel that?” I lied and said I did
7.
Forest 02:54
I wonder if you know that I notice 
when your eyes scream “I’m feeling too fragile for this” 
but there was a magic moment in the fog,
 when we were standing beneath the trees and I wanted to tell you that this forest didn’t grow until we met
 and all the songs playing in the background are just ones I haven’t written for you yet 
and you looked me in the eye and you said, “I don’t know when I’m gonna see you next”
 but I know this forest didn’t grow until we met maybe one day you’ll steal a car and drive out to where the clouds are far behind me
 and maybe you’ll end up in California or at least that’s what it’ll look like from the postcards of bloody sunsets that you’ll send me and they’ll say that this forest didn’t grow until we met
 and all the songs playing in the background are just ones I haven’t written for you yet 
and you looked me in the eye and you said, “I don’t know when I’m gonna see you next” but I know that this forest didn't grow until we met and I know that no day has ever been the same since 
and I know that sometimes you wish you could forget about me 
but I know this forest didn’t grow until we met
8.
I’ve been trying to think of something to say to let you know that I’m here but everytime I open my mouth, the dream I have of you reappears you’re in a field, and I see you, I see you, you and your baby blues all of the sudden, you’re bleeding, I’m crying, and my feet are glued, I can’t move I wanna save you, I wanna help you, I wanna hold you but I can’t I have to stand there and cry, curse the sky I’ve seen you die a thousand times, a thousand times I miss you more than poets could ever make sound pretty, I wasn’t ready for your swan song last night I felt you right beside me for the first time in forever, for the first time in so long it’s been so god damn long but one day I’ll be in the field and you’ll see me, you’ll see me, me with my wide brown eyes all of the sudden, I’m running, you’re laughing — the most surreal surprise, to see your eyes I’m gonna save you, I’m gonna help you, I’m gonna hold you so tight we’ll stand there and cry, kiss the sky, my firefly, I’ve loved you a thousand times, a thousand times
9.
Not Quite 04:00
you’re drinking a beer at the bar on a Monday afternoon reading a book and waiting for me to walk in did you call me ‘cause you’re lonely? or do you really wanna see me? I don’t know, but at any rate, I’m on my way to see you on the balcony standing there in a beam of July light to wonder if you’re ever gonna touch me or even look at me right to talk about the fact that you’re homesick for another life to remind myself that I’m never gonna reach you, not quite I can’t believe I worked this hard just to get back to the beginning just for you to tell me again that these are my glory days who made you the judge and the jury of this whole situation? I don’t know, but I guess that means that I’m condemned to see you on the balcony standing there in a beam of July light to wonder if you’re ever gonna touch me or even look at me right to talk about the fact that you’re homesick for another life to remind myself that I’m never gonna reach you, not quite our knocking knees and your lips on the corner of my mouth I’m not sure how we got here, but we did how do I give you a taste of your own medicine? to make you feel just like I do about this? ‘cause I can’t tell if it’s hell or if it’s bliss to see you on the balcony standing there in a beam of July light to wonder if you’re ever gonna touch me or even look at me right to talk about the fact that you’re homesick for another life to remind myself that I’m never gonna reach you, not quite
10.
Spark 03:10
there’s something about seeing a daytime moon seeing the stars in the afternoon that feels good even though they aren’t supposed to be there it’s like seeing your face in a crowded place on the other side of town and I think, “what the hell do you think you’re doing here?” I tell you one day I am leaving and I am never coming back you ask me how my heart’s still beating I say I’m trying to get on track just like the way your eyes take time adjusting to the dark I’m trying to calibrate the difference but I keep staring at the spark show me how to be still without bending to will how to set the sky on fire and then how to catch the falling sunlight in my hands I need to know how to feel allowed to want the things I want and I need you to show me a person who understands I tell you one day I am leaving and I am never coming back you ask me how my heart’s still beating I say I’m trying to get on track just like the way your eyes take time adjusting to the dark I’m trying to calibrate the difference but I keep staring at the spark why don’t you meet me where I am instead of taking me to where you think you are before I tell you I am leaving and I am never coming back

about

Felt the feelings, wrote them down, recorded them in my bedroom, just me and my Gibson. A long overdue release of what the inside of my brain sounds like.

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released May 17, 2019

Artwork by Chelsey Keys.

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Angel Reedy Baltimore, Maryland

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